*All descriptions of clinical material are always reviewed with the person involved and shared with their permission.
Dr. Sarah Bren, my former intern, now friend and colleague, had me on her podcast Securely Attached. I really enjoyed this conversation which was mostly about parenting. You can find a full transcript of the conversation on episode’s webpage.
Listen on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
The wonderful Mordecai Dixon asked me to help him develop some content for a training on trauma-informed practices for the SAMHSA-funded Mental Health Technology Transfer Center Network. I said, “Let’s make it a podcast so people can learn while driving or doing dishes!” And, voila!
You can listen to it below or on Spotify.
I had such a lovely conversation with Forrest Hanson on the Being Well Podcast. He did such a good job of managing a difficult guest lol.
My dear friend, Karen Kuflik, created this lovely little video exemplifying the kind of parts work that I think can be so helpful when trying to learn to love oneself and heal from trauma.
Fresh Start uploaded an audio recording of a Q&A session I had with people who have attended their retreat. It’s available on Youtube and here:
Was a guest on Grace Chung’s podcast, K-Drama School, though we really didn’t talk about k-dramas all that much. It was a conversation about intergenerational trauma and got pretty personal and poignant.
Here’s a link to the full podcast itself, which starts with a segment of Grace discussing the show Save Me before our conversation begins.
Below is my episode with Dan Harris, whom I thought was such a kind and intelligent person. I’m so grateful for his time. Hope this is useful for some.
Dan Harris had Stephanie Foo and me on his brilliant podcast, Ten Percent Happier. We did separate interviews. Hers is out Monday, May 23, while mine comes out Wednesday, May 25. Her episode goes over her recovery process and discusses the therapy with me in a way that feels very representative and informative. My episode is much more esoteric in that I keep refusing to be specific about approaches and tools. Still, I think it may be helpful for others to hear.
Here’s her episode. I’ll post mine on Wednesday when it drops.
I join Stephanie Foo for a conversation about her new memoir on Charlotte Talks with Mike Collin, a show on WFAE 90.7.
Stephanie Foo embedded some of our therapy sessions into the audiobook version of What My Bones Know.
Stephanie Foo and I are going to have a live instagram conversation on March 1, 2022 at 8 pm ET to discuss complex trauma.
Stephanie Foo, an award winning journalist, has written a beautiful memoir about her journey healing from complex trauma. A couple of chapters near the end include snippets from a brief stint of psychotherapy I provided to help her consolidate what she had learned through this journey. It’s one of those books that make you cry and cheer all on the same page.
On the eve of 9/11, I was asked to help Simone Polanen work through her complex feelings around the event and figure out a way to talk about it in a way that helps us all talk about it… I developed such a deep admiration and appreciation for this remarkable woman and the good she is putting into the world.
The Robertson Center at Success Academy released a talk I gave there as part of their podcast, Extraordinary. The first half is mostly about how I came to do trauma work with a smidgen of information about what to do for kids. The second half is a wonderful panel discussion with Bonnie Loughner, Stephen Powell, and Peter Brown.
Also available on apple podcast or stitcher.
I did a training to launch the Families First Readiness Initiative in Dutchess County Family Court. It was done in the format of a conversation between myself and the Honorable Judge Martin, who is an incredible human being. The training is below:
Legendary photographer, Kimberly Butler, and I shared a conversation about her Photographic Memoir “The Art of FEAR” one evening at the National Arts Club.
My patient is a powerful and charismatic person who was terribly abused as a child. We journeyed in his mind to the little boy who was beaten for squirming in his chair and left alone in the back room of the church. The boy in his mind embodied him today and wailed, "Why do they beat me?!" to himself, to his parents, to God, and to the reverberating aether. The depth of this access swelled my heart with tears.
I told him to ask that little boy if he could hold him. He hugged him, rocked him and whispered loving words to him: "You did nothing wrong. It's not right what they did to you. You didn't deserve it. It's over. I love you. Come with me. You can grow up now." He wept and wept, and rocked and rocked, until the pain was slowly held and slowly healed.
As he gained access to this wounded child, he also began to see other parts of himself that he had developed to protect himself: a smart man, a fierce man, a charming man. They each had different names based on when they emerged in his life and reflected the actual variations of the names he went by at that time--names like Little Timmy, Tom, Alexander (his strong middle name), and Thomas.
We began to appreciate that each of these self-parts was vital for his survival ,and he began to embrace them all. His smart part helped him gain recognition and praise. His fierce part helped him become powerful, realize his dreams and prevent others from taking advantage of him. His charming part made sure that others liked him and would follow him. He realized that he used to think that this last part was his true self, but he slowly realized that this part was the most duplicitous of them all, for it would never show vulnerability, only obsequious catering and manipulative insincerity.
Awake to and accepting of all of these parts, he began starting his day by gathering his self-parts together for a pep talk. "Timmy (who had now grown to be a strapping young man), keep me joyful and playful. Tom, I need you to figure things out. Alexander, watch my back and get me through the tough times. And, Thomas, take care of other people with true heart. Thank you all for being with me. Stand beside me but not in front of me. I love you all. Now, let's go!"
on my most recent YouTube post titled The Opposite of Trauma is Presence, someone posted some really profound thoughts on how trauma can’t be used to explain away the existence of evil. I thought I’d share the actual thread because it’s so cool. The commenter is named Alex_006.
Alex: The statement "this is the human condition" reminded me of a great paper by Murray Stein called "Jung on Evil" (.pdf freely found on google). What would love and goodness be without evil. What would we be without good and evil. Did you hide parts of yourself or did the overcoming of evil make you. I think the "survival parenting" concept is perhaps a bit soft on evil. I'm not an expert, I haven't worked in the field, but I do not believe that trauma is simply caused by the absence of good. A father who, drunk or not, sadistically beats his innocent child regularly and with growing intensity is not just "in survival mode" and in the absence of good parenting. There is such a thing as evil. And while trauma has played a role in going down this dark path, it is not the sole reason for it. Many people are bullied but don't become bullies themselves, even without much outside help. I think that the battle of the soul between good and evil is the crux of the matter. We cannot separate psychology from theology if we want to see reality as it actually is. So was glad to see a rabbi chiming in on this one. Together, you two will be unstoppable forces for good. Ending quote of the aforementioned paper: "While it is important for consciousness to throw its weight on the side of good, of life, of growth and integration, it must be recognized that this is a struggle without hope for final victory. For victory would be stasis and so would spell defeat anyway from the point of view of evolution. The evolution of reality depends upon the dynamic interplay of forces that we call good and evil, and where the evolution of consciousness and spirit is finally headed is still beyond our knowledge. The best we can do is to participate in this unfolding with the greatest possible extent of consciousness. Beyond that we must reconcile ourselves to leaving the outcome up to the Power that is greater than ourselves."
Jacob Ham: Alex, this comment has blown my mind... I fully agree that there is evil in the world and that much of my life is coming to terms with its reality. Then the next step for me personally is to not let myself be overwhelmed by evil and to not let myself lump traumatized people into that category of evil. It's an incredible delicate act. I don't have an answer for it. But, I do agree with Jung that consciousness is the transcendent answer to this struggle. Much of my life has been in the service of not turning a blind eye to evil, while seeking and willing pockets of beauty, in the way that Nietzsche originally compelled us to do. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
Alex_006: The way I understand evil, based much on Jung, is that evil has a reality of its own but it needs our cooperation. It is like a dance with the devil. This is ultimately an optimistic view because it means that people are never completely evil in themselves, but have rather given in to this force out of weakness, or to the wind blowing through men as Rumi called it. It also would mean that anyone can theoretically turn away from evil, repent and make amends; thus freeing themselves of bondage to it. Sadly, this is probably a rare exception when the hold is deep. And I agree, coming to terms with evil is a life-defining task that feels sometimes unbearable. I have also very much been impacted by Nietzsche's words of how the whole universe can be justified by a single moment of happiness, no matter the darkness before it. I've experienced the feeling myself; it was while feeding ducks with a woman I really like. I still find it incomprehensible that all of history was needed for that moment to take place. How you have not turned away from evil is what has made you a good and brave man. Life is glad to have you. Here is another quote that I felt would fit: “What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.” – St. Augustine
Jacob Ham: You are a long lost brother of mine... in the words of Cormac McCarthy: He thought that in the beauty of the world were hid a secret. He thought the world's heart beat at some terrible cost and that the world's pain and its beauty moved in a relationship of diverging equity and that in this headlong deficit the blood of multitudes might ultimately be exacted for the vision of a single flower.
Alex_006: Beautiful words. Really encapsulated this strange view I've had formulating in me for a while now, thank you.
I’m always struggling with how to describe how the way I work works—especially that last post about living the question that was titled How to fix everything wrong with you. What does it mean to live the question?!
Well, this one amazing person I had the pleasure of working with shared this anecdote about how she lives the questions.
“So yesterday I was having a conversation with my husband, and I kept interrupting him. I tend to do that a lot, especially in conversations that I am very distressed or passionate about. He got very annoyed with me at one point and showed it clearly.
I noticed a terribly uncomfortable feeling and the urge to react. Either to defend myself or to flip the tables on him and get angry at him back. But I didn't give into that urge right away. Somehow I had been able to slow down my observation of what was happening inside of me, so I was able to have that space between the uncomfortable feeling and the urge to react. That space gave me the fortitude not to act on my urge. Instead I just observed the uncomfortable feeling and tried to notice what it was.
I recognized it as shame. I never tuned into shame on quite this level. I knew it is wrong for me to interrupt him so much, and the shame that came with it was so big that I have always felt the need to repress it or hurt the other person who is shaming me. Because its too unbearable.
So in that space of observation, I asked myself why it was so unbearable. And I realized it was because in my mind and psyche, doing something bad/wrong/stupid denies me the right to even exist. My body and mind think that I am only worthy of existing if I never do anything wrong. I then was able to gently tell myself that I can make mistakes, even ones that get other people upset, and still be worthy of existing. It was so incredible to be able to hold both possibilities side by side.
It was the notion that I cannot exist if I do something wrong that made the shame unbearable. When I recognize that I do not have to be perfect to exist, I can suddenly be okay with the shame. It isn't unbearable. It just is and I can handle it.”
Hi everyone, I’m gonna be on episode five of Cracked Up: The Evolving Conversation with Darrell Hammond, Michelle Esrick and Jane Stevens on Wednesday 10/28 @ 5 pm ET. Click on the image to register.
